Too Lazy to Die
by ragamuffin009
Summary: Two years after Shippuden begins, Naruto comes back from a mission with some startling news. Was he too lazy to die? Or are we just crazy? Told from Chouji's and Kankuro's POVs. ShikaTema. Possible KankuIno.
1. The News

Hallo, it's the Author! This is my first published stand alone story, as in, I wrote it myself without that Narrator girl. Who happens to be my best friend. I forget her Pen Name thingy. She has an Ouran High School Host Club story, if I remember correctly. anyhoo, I wrote from these two points of view because they differ grealty, one caring for his friends and one not giving a care. I may add a third POV later on, though I'm not sure whose.

* * *

"There's no way!" I roared, slamming the spiky-haired, blonde boy up against the wall with my forearm. "You're lying! There's no way! No way he's dead!"

"He-is," Naruto replied in a strangled voice, "I… saw-it-myself… 'ttebayo…" Even when he was choking, he still added 'dattebayo' to the end of every sentence.

"You've gotta be lying," I pleaded, letting him drop to the floor before sinking to it myself, "You've just gotta… Shikamaru can't die… He's my best friend…" tears welled up in my eyes. Ino put her hand on my shoulder. She was crying, too.

"I'm sorry, dattebayo… If it helps, his death was pretty quick… And I killed the guy who did it." With that, he left. Ino and I cried for a long time.

"H-he can't die yet," I sobbed, "We were s-supposed to live and gr-grow up together… Our k-kids would have b-been on the same team, like us… L-like our dads…"

"I know," she whispered, "I can't believe it either…"

"He is… was… my best friend…" I said. My tears had dried up, but I was still sobbing. "He was… th-the first one of us to be chunin… and jonin…"

"Chouji," she said, hugging me, "you knew him longer than me… but… we can get through this… he wouldn't want us to…" She burst into tears again. "Oh, Chouji, he's dead!" We sat alone, shut off from the world.

The next day, Kurenai stopped by. She comforted us and told us if we needed anything, to just ask her. She said she remembered when Asuma-sensei died, Shikamaru promised to protect her child, the child who was now two years old and clinging to her leg. I said nothing as Ino thanked her and hugged her. The child came over and hugged me, emulating her. I smiled, slightly. "You'll make a great Shinobi someday," I said, hugging back, "Just like your mom and dad, and Shikamaru."

-------------------Three days later--------------------

The nice thing about my Shinobi clothes is that they can double as some really comfy pajamas. As I drifted off to sleep, I was thinking of a new mechanism for Crow-Perhaps a spring… Or a stronger poison… Belladonna? Nightshade? Before I knew it, I was dreaming of killing that Aburame punk with my great new instrument… What was it? I was getting closer… I could almost see it…

I opened my eyes to, not my ingenious new device, nor a deadly poison… Just my hood, which I had carelessly tossed on the floor before jumping into bed. I groaned in disappointment. It was just a dream. But what had woken me up?

It became extremely apparent in a second, as I heard my sister's voice coming from another room. I couldn't make out what she was saying… But she sounded pretty upset. I moved quietly through my bedroom, and opened the door a crack. The voice was clearer now. It was coming from the living room. I cautiously made my way there, and found my sister, crying, and that girl from Konoha, the blonde… what was her name? Pig. Oh yeah. That was it, Ino. She was there too, sitting on the sofa. She was crying.

" I never even told him…" Temari was saying, "I never got the chance to tell him how I feel. Felt. Feel!" Okay, I still didn't know exactly what was going on, but I knew what to do. What a brother should do when he finds his sister crying, no matter what: I hugged her. I didn't say anything, didn't ask why, I just hugged her. She cried onto my shoulder.

"Shikamaru died," Ino said, through her own tears. I wracked my brain, Shikamaru, Shikamaru… The one who beat Temari in the chunin exams five years ago. He and Ino were on the same team. If I remembered correctly, he was pretty lazy. He was pretty damn smart, too. Smarter than Temari. And…

Wait.

What Temari just said…

She liked _him_?!

Wait!

He was _dead?!_

No way. That guy was too smart to go and get himself killed. And too lazy. Too lazy to die.

That's exactly what I said. "That guy's too lazy to die," I think I sounded a little incredulous. Maybe I was. I didn't even think about it, it just slipped out. Hey, I was _tired, _all right?

Whatever I sounded like, it cheered them up. "That's right," Temari laughed. Ino giggled, too. Hey, whadda you know? Kankuro made a funny.

I felt like I should stay with her. And my brain was telling me to get the hell out of there and get my ass back into bed and sleep for eight or nine more hours. And routine was telling me to take a shower. Guess which one I did?

Five minutes later, as I reached for the soap, I was still thinking about that kid. Well, mostly Temari, as I didn't know the guy that well. I remember he was the only one to become chunin that first time, and the fourth one of the people who passed the second test to become jonin. Temari and I were first, of course, then that stuck-up Hyuuga kid. But still, that Shikamaru guy was good. He was a brilliant strategist. If he'd been born here, we probably would have won that idiotic battle against Konoha.

Which may or may not have been good, because the yondaime Kazekage, our father, died as part of that, and Gaara got… Better then, thanks to Uzumaki Naruto. But Shikamaru… Temari liked him. I still couldn't believe it. There must be no feeling worse than having someone you love die, without you telling them you love them. But I really wouldn't know, as nobody I love has died. Well, no. Gaara died once. I remembered how I felt when he got captured and was powerless to save him. Temari must feel pretty terrible.

And what kind of brother am I? I couldn't save Gaara, and here I was, not comforting Temari in her time of need.

I turned off the water and dried off.

Man, I think a lot in the shower.

* * *

Yep yep yep. I love those little one sentence paragraph thingies. Very dramatic. I'd say R&R but I could really care less!

-sings- Get my television fixed, sitting on my crucifix...


	2. The Tears

I have a confession to make: I'm making this story up as I go. So if the plot seems to wander a bit, pardon me.

* * *

I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a white towel with the Suna symbol emblazoned on it in red. I liked these towels. I bet they don't have anything quite as nifty in Konoha. Nifty? Did I just think the word nifty? This whole Shikamaru thing has gotten my brain all fucked up. What was it…? Guilt? It couldn't be. I didn't even know the kid. But Temari did. That had to be it. Crap. It _was _guilt.

I got some clothes on and went back to the living room. The two women were still there, bawling their eyes out. How long were they going to cry for?

"How long are you going to cry for?" I clapped a hand over my mouth. Shit! I _have _to stop saying whatever pops into my head!

Temari looked up. "You… Asshole!" She started throwing pillows and stuff at me.

"No, wait! Wait! I didn't mean it like that-!"

"Just because you have the emotional range of a _teaspoon_ doesn't mean we all have!" She continued to throw random objects at me.

"Jesus Christ!" I yelled as I dodged a gold silk pillow.

But then, she threw something heavier. It hit me in the head. Hard. I heard something crack. Something warm and red started dripping down my face. I was on the ground. I was bleeding. I was… Well, swearing. "You little fucking _bitch_… Why… did you do that? You dumbass… Oh… _Fuck…" _Blood was pooling under my head, matting my hair. I was shaking. "Don't just stand there… _do _something!"

* * *

After Ino left, nobody else came by to see me. Kurenai didn't come back. Nobody did. Not even Naruto. Not even my dad. Someone knocked on the door once, but when I opened it, there was no one there. I left the door open and wandered back to the bed and sat down. I knew that Shikamaru's funeral had already taken place. Ino had gone. I had not.

Why would I? Shikamaru was sitting right next to me. Why would they hold a funeral for someone who wasn't dead?

When I asked him, he shrugged. He told me that _maybe I AM dead, and grief has caused you to hallucinate. _

I said, _No. Naruto was lying. They were all lying. How can you be dead_, I asked him, _when you're right there next to me?_

_Losing someone close to a person can do crazy things to them, _he replied.

_No,_ I said. _They're all just lying to me. You're not dead. _

He shrugged again and told me, _Eat something_.

I shook my head. _I'm not hungry,_ I said

He laughed. _You're always hungry._

I smiled. I felt myself drifting off to sleep. I hoped he would be there when I woke up.

* * *

He was.

_Chouji, you need to eat_, he said. _Go downstairs, your dad made dumplings._

_No thanks,_ I said_, if I leave this room I'm worried that you won't be here when I come back. _

_Maybe I will, maybe I won't,_ he said, _but if you don't eat you'll starve to death._

_I don't want you to go away._

_You're making yourself sick._

_I don't want you to leave me!_ I thought my tears had all dried up. Yet, here they were again. They streamed down my face. I didn't try to stop them or wipe them away. _Please don't make me go away!_

He looked at me. His face was full of concern as he said, _I'm not going to go anywhere. Go eat before you pass out._

I wiped my tears away. _Promise?_ I said, still sobbing.

_I promise,_ he said. _Now go. Eat something._

I went down the stairs. Dad didn't say anything. I hugged him when I was done eating. Then, I went back up to my room.

* * *

When I came back, Shikamaru was gone.

And my tears came back again.


	3. The Switch

I'm not crazy.

Crazy people sit in rubber rooms and laugh. Crazy people wear white jackets with too-long sleeves so they can't move their arms. Crazy people blow all of their money on lottery tickets.

_I_ am not crazy.

Crazy people talk to things that aren't really there. Crazy people see dead people that they didn't even _know. _Crazy people have head trauma…

Maybe I _am_ crazy.

I certainly have head trauma-that vase Temari threw at me made a hairline fracture just above my left temple. I am one lucky bastard that it didn't hit a few centimeters below, or I'd be one _dead_ bastard.

Nara Shikamaru. He died four days ago. Yet here he was, sitting right next to me.

_Leave me alone, will ya?_

_No._

_I don't even know you._

_So?_

_Go away._

_No, I will not._

_Jeez…_

So I_ am_ crazy. I see dead people, talk to them, and, the most likely cause of this? Having a vase smash my head open. That was thrown by my own sister.

I was never one to believe in karma, but was it just a coincidence I was seeing _her_ dead boyfriend? It just slipped out. I didn't mean to be rude, and certainly she had a right to cry for however long she needed.

Just my luck that her natural response was violence.

Just my luck that I may be more involved in this than I thought.

Just my luck that… Man, my head is _pounding!_ The medical-nin fixed it up, but they didn't warn me that I'd still feel pain! Nice going, half-assing it as usual, guys.

And did I fail to mention that Gaara was away on extended vacation? Whoda thunk it that running a country was stressful? My baka of a little brother didn't take one for two and a half years. I warned him. Did he listen to me? Nope. _Kankuro_ isn't my _older _brother. _He _hasn't _fought_ more than me. _He_ doesn't know what he's _talking_ about.

Just like this damn ponytail kid! If he'd listen to me and go away, I could go back to my intense head painy without distracting dead people blathering in my ears all day.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST THINK?!

It's like I'm in a story written by some fourteen-year-old girl who reads too many Jhonen Vasquez comics!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO JHONEN VASQUEZ IS!

I seriously need to take a break.

The strangest part of all this is the fact that ghost-boy is telling me to _kill _people!

----Konoha----

I want to die.

I can't take it anymore. I want to die.

And I think I might do just that.

* * *

Aw, shit, yet another one of my stories in which Chou-kun is suicidal… -smacks self upside the head- 


End file.
